How have you been babe, yes it's been a year. For some this day will pass by as ordinary but for me it'll be a day that I wish didn't come. A day of too many blunders, too many unexplainable emotions which broke too much, just too much.
A few days ago I was cleaning and was about to throw something then TJ cried over three funny looking stuffed toys. She seldom cries Hon you know that she's been tough the whole time. I asked her why, as she sobs, she whispered to me not to throw those stuffed toys because those were her last remembrance of you being lucky with her at Timezone. The machine for some reason just made you clutch those, she said you were really good at it! Well maybe the machine got generous because it knew that it will never happen again.
Last night, Chot was singing or must I say, jumbled singing. You see he took that from you. Well, so far everything about him is about you. He loves to sing even if some notes are a bit off but like you, he's able to put such charm and humour in those songs that make us not mind if he's off key. Out of the blue we heard the clearest Happy Birthday song. He sung "Happy birthday Daddy" over and over while pointing at your picture... I know he'll be his own person babe, I just hope that more than your looks, he'll take the personality that made me fall for you.
While I was at our friend's house a week ago I was able to talk to a fellow widow and she asked me if I've seen you in my dreams because she still haven't and it's almost a year for her too. I said I was a little lucky because I always dream of you. Was it really something that I should be thankful for? In my subconsciousness there must be a strong urge that all of these were just a mistake, that I am really still dreaming, if only I can wake up and have you again. You know that if I were to choose, I will stay.
A year of not being with you is an impossible feat babe you know that it's far too long. We've never been apart for such a long time when we decided to be together. The longest was less than a month when you had a business trip and both of us felt it was so dreadful, we never wanted it to happen again. We gave up a lot of opportunities just to be together but now I know why. Time was significantly short for us, every second became too precious that we didn't let it slip by.
A year babe and yes the condolences have slowly gone. There were handfuls that stood by and words will never be sufficient to express how I am truly thankful to them. I'd like to think that most just don't know how to approach me or what to say while a lot just chose to be indifferent but I understand. Even I still can't fathom the enormity of your loss.
All the occasions without you were experienced, you know that I tried my very best. But now there's a huge difference, I no longer feel and find sense why I do my best. Sure it's for TJ and Chot but not without you. You were part of the equation remember? Now, it's pretty evident that whatever I do, the emptiness will just be there, always.
The years will add up, the pain will probably numb me but nothing is for sure. Your love was so beautiful that it can't just stop. How can I make it stop when your greatest gift of love to me were too significant not to bet my whole life in it but please whisper a prayer for me Hon because I still can't wrap my head around the wonder of your loss, the purpose of it.
It was once said that it's not strong if you're not afraid... Well one thing is for sure, in the first year that you're no longer with me, I am so afraid that being strong is my only option. I took it without hesitations but still, I don't know until when it'll last. Now I am off to track the second, third who knows until when, but for now it is my greatest hope to find myself being with you again even if it's just in the in betweens.
